Have you watched ‘My Sexual Abuse: The Sitcom’ Channel 4 by Mark O’Sullivan??

When I 1st saw the title my immediate thought was…..how can child sexual abuse be made into a comedy?

It’s so serious…so harmful, so impactful in all areas of an individuals’ life. It is definitely not a laughing matter.

But….

This was about a person who had lived experience and they have every right to express their experiences how they choose to.

So, with abit of unease on my part I was intrigued to watch.

I found the ‘chats’ in the documentary about shooting the sitcom really insightful and true to the whole ‘process’ of sexual abuse.

And I believe that the way this has been communicated will allow the general public to grasp the complex layers and impact of what child sexual abuse entails.

The following ‘things’ and ‘conversations’ really resonated with me:

1) Looking at photos of us as children before and after the abuse happening…there is a clear picture / memory of what this felt like.

-Happy before or not remembering before but then the 1st incident happens and you remember everything about that time.
-Your memories at that age get stuck and get frozen, replayed as fragments or in their entirety.

I was 7…had a fantastic Xmas and then life was never the same.

2) Not being able to tell your nearest and dearest about any abuse because they do not want to hear it – ‘the elephant in the room’. You are left with the shame, the guilt and the ‘big secret’ that no one wants to acknowledge.
Some bury it deep and carry on, some implode / explode. All of us ‘wear a mask’.

3) The perpetrator/ abuser/ offender is so good in their art of grooming that people around you would not believe that they would commit and act of crime against a child.

Anyone can be an abuser.

4) If some of the good people around you knew that you were being sexually abused, they would have helped e.g.Toni. But Mark like many us of didn’t have the language to talk about the sexual abuse as a child / young person and knew that any disclosure would ‘blow everything apart’.

Many of us do not disclose until we are adults for this and many other reasons.

I found the courage to disclose to the school, the police and social services at different times but was not believed; the further abuse because of me speaking up silenced me until my late 20’s and then it came out in dribs and drabs. The mental and physical impact showed up throughout my entire life.

6) Using whatever ‘means’ we need to use share our experiences and to shine a light on this heinous endemic crime that is prevalent within our society. Mark uses his skills as a writer / actor / comedian.

I have written 3 books, started a charity, am an activist, advocate, campaigner and public speaker.

7) Court case is triggering and traumatising many individuals feel the report to court pathway is equal to or more traumatic than the abuse they endured.

8) We often find humour in the most darkest of times. True.

9) The language used by professionals can be wholly inappropriate. True.

10) Mark was asked “Have you ever had a day where you have not thought about it?”

His reply “No”. And Mark says “it makes me feel vulnerable all the time”.

There is your trauma impact right there.

11) What was lovely to hear from Mark was that when he uses comedy…his way of expressing his experiences he feels like the victor not a victim.

When I speak or present, I feel the same – strong, shining a light; making a change.

12) Making the topic of CSA more comfortable through ‘comedy’ enables more people to explore it. I think that however we can a shine a light on this evil crime we should.

13) Using a teddy bear as the sexual abuser/sexual offender/ paedophile was really genius….no one would consider a bear to be harmful to children, right?! There is your real-life offender!

14) Setting the storyline in the family home environment because that is where sexual abuse is most prevalent.

-Sexual abuse can happen to any child / young person.
-Setting the scene being able to remember the exact layout of rooms and remembering how you feel.
-“You are no longer a child / young person…you are just a ‘sexual object’ just there for their ‘sexual gratification”.
-It effs you up for years.
-“Any type of sexual violence renders you powerless”.
-“Because I could not tell anyone about it…you feel that somehow you are complicit in what happened to you”.
-“I was defective; I was wrong…I did not want anyone to see how broken I was”.

15) Letting your child go with a ‘stranger’ who has groomed the adults in the family to make them feel that their child is safe with them because trust has been built.
-Taking the child out for day trips and giving them gifts is all part of the grooming process.
-Encouraging your child to spend more time with the welcomed ‘stranger’ because you are too busy, too stressed or just need a break

16) The disdain and the victim blaming from the defense barrister and family members.
– “Why did you not tell someone sooner?” “Why did you wait so long?”
– Hours and hours of “you’re lying”

“Even when he was found guilty and went to prison there will still family members who said it did not happen?!! Making out that they are the victim not you”.

17) Family members not believing you, not wanting to talk about it and this ultimately silencing you, causing further trauma and not allowing the recovery process.

18) Sign and symptoms of behaviour change but not asking why? just assuming its hormones – just being a teenager.

19) Not wanting to see the people that have caused you harm or have not protected you. Is normal and should be a red flag to the adults around you.

20) The victim blaming language…”I was a sexy kid”.

21) As an adult some of us wanting ‘normality’ in our life…being married, having kids..

Mark and Jens conversation where they spoke about the following:

-“Being married to Jen…I had to tell her at some point because members of my family were coming to our wedding”.
-Meeting the perpetrator, knowing what he did, making small talk pretending that everything is ok.
-People that supported him, who looked the other way and pretended it had not happened.
-Not thinking about how his actions destroyed a child which is unforgiveable
-Jen shares how she feels that a part of Mark is still trapped as a young boy and she can see the impact on him as he has been trying to process the impact for decades.

22) When Mark found out that there was another victim, he felt compelled to speak up and go to the Police.

Other survivors have said this me too.. it’s almost like we can sacrifice’ ourselves but not others? In my family we all felt that we were the only ones being abused in certain situations and felt that we were protecting the others because ‘they are only doing it to me’….by coming together we learnt that this was incorrect and the abuse was happening to many of us.

23) Sexual abuse does not only affect the victim; it affects the loved ones around them as well.

24) Childhood should be innocent and fun….perpetrators use this as part of the grooming process to win the child over. Great times had. Great feelings until it isn’t.

25) Chat with Marteka Swaby “Why do a sitcom? What are you looking to get out of it? Psychotherapist
– Make people laugh
– I want to do this
– I want to make something positive out of something that was really not positive.
-Shaping the narrative from Marks perspective. Children do not control the narrative…you are just part of it….it’s kind of forced upon you…that happens when the sexual abuse happens…and happens when you’re not taken seriously…when tried to tell the family it was not something they wanted to hear…

Not being seen, not being taken seriously…not having someone to tell is one of the hardest things especially when you do speak up…and they don’t believe you.

That why you want to do this?

Yes, my child wants to be heard…letting the comedy be the way I express this.

26) Chat with Ian Lee Broadcaster & Comedian

– Abused twice, did not tell mum until he was 35
-Aged 14 would go and meet older men for sex did not see this as abuse because he wanted it but when therapist called it out for what it was, he realised that it was abuse.
-Feels anger which flares up from time to time at the perpetrators who have made him feel worthless and ashamed.
-Mark says he is envious at Ian’s’ rage / anger because he cannot feel that.

27) After Marks chat with Ian he started to have doubts about the sitcom worried about further abuse and feeling really scared about it.

I felt the same when I wrote our autobiography Through the Eyes of A Child but I decided nothing could be as bad as the abuse we had all endured and survived. We wanted to help others by shining a light back in 2012. And oh, my we have 🥰

I did find some of the actual sitcom comedy hard to watch just because it made me feel uncomfortable…I was not able to laugh at it.

But I applaud you Mark for bringing a different perspective to this topic and shining a light on the many layers & complexities of child sexual abuse.

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